Do you ever feel like time is slipping from underneath you? Like everything is moving too quickly and you just don’t have enough willpower to grab all of it before it slips through your fingers?
That’s kind of what this summer has been like for me. When this summer started, I knew that it would fly by, and I even played my favorite mind game “Before You Know It.”
“Before You Know It” is a game I play with myself to get myself through difficult times. I struggled with my depression at the beginning of the summer; it felt like there was no real reason for me to be in Colorado again, I longed for my home in Ohio, for the coffee, and for my small group. Getting out of bed and going to work was a struggle, and it took every ounce of strength to just face the summer and what I had come to do in the mountains. Throughout my entire life, I’ve never really felt homesick for anything, and I had been praying for a long time that God would give me something to miss.
and you know what? He did.
and knowing that He began to answer that prayer was enough to convince me that I had a purpose in Colorado even if it didn’t feel like I did. I remember telling myself that I’d be back “before I know it” and I just needed to get through this week, and then the next, and the one after that.
And I think I realized that in my mind, I wasn’t taking full advantage of the time I have here in the mountains.
I know because I’m sitting here, in my favorite place at the Y, looking down at my phones calendar realizing that I have only t-minus 15 days until my contract ends—and I’m a little panicky.
Where the heck did this time go?
Don’t get me wrong—I haven’t just lied dormant, waiting for God to push me out of bed and force me to do something. I’ve learned a lot here—between meeting God in my mental health and now, I’ve been able to see how He is moving the lives of my friends, and how He has been so intentional in my lifegroup here—in the least prideful way to say it, I’ve seen my prayer life get better, I’ve finally been able to use the gift of words that He gave me to reach people.
But when I realized that the book of Summer 2019 was nearing the final few pages of the last chapter, and I felt the rush of anxiety that went through my body when it hit me that I have like two weeks before my contract ends and I’ll be going home soon, it hit me that “before I know it” had come.
When the second week ended here, my depression was hitting its hardest. I remember God was teaching me how to say “You are still Good” even when the world felt so bad. I wanted so badly to be able to confidently (and lacking all pride) say that God is a Good God even when I feel like running the other way. I hated that I would lie in bed, and admittedly even calling off of work once because I woke up and it was all I could to lie there in that bed and stare at the sticky-notes of Bible verses I put on the wood above me to cover up the gross drawings someone had scribbled on before me.
One of them was my life verse; Malachi 3:10
“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house. ‘Test Me in this,’ says the LORD Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of Heaven, and pour out so much blessing upon you that there will not be enough room to store it.”
In that moment I remember thinking something along the lines of, “yeah, sure seems like there’s a whole lotta blessing right now. I’m really rolling in it, huh?”
I think that moment was one where God rolled His eyes at me and shook His head.
When I got up the next day and walked down to work, I started up an old practice I did last summer, and I prayed in the three minute walk from Howard to Longhouse. I prayed that God would help me to take full advantage of the rest of my time here; may every moment possible be spent seeking His face, speaking His word, and resting in the promises He has made.
I would 100% be lying if I said I lived in that. No, I know that I spent probably too much time thinking about things that weren’t holy, that didn’t glorify Him, but you know what, quirky crew? I think that’s part of this whole thing we’re doing with the Lord.
I mean, I messed up a lot. You mess up a lot. We all mess up a lot. But God says that His grace is sufficient for us.
So when we catch ourselves not being the best we can be, or maybe our deceitful lil hearts are playing tricks on us—I think those are the moments when God really wants to bless us with His grace that is sufficient in all circumstances.
Time, my friends, is a funny concept. Our time is always getting away from us, it’s always out of our hands, and yet, it is probably one of our most valuable “possessions.”
Despite a part of me wanting to be home, I love living here in the uncomfortable. And I hope that I can take a little piece of the uncomfortable back to Kent with me.
It has probably been one of the most difficult times of my life, but how great are the things that God has used me to do, that God has enabled me to know, how He has grown me in this time.
When I sit here and think about it all—frick did it go fast, and I don’t remember every second—but I remember and reflect on the Good parts: the parts when I went wrong, when I confessed my sin and was met with grace and love, when I ate ice cream downtown and talked about Hard things with a new friend, when took a slice outta Clay Troyer’s for when and learned some surrender, and even when I thought I couldn’t do this LT thing anymore.
God, when I reflect over it all, I see yet another example of how God has just “lol bet” my life.
I feel better prepared for the next season of my life—whatever God has planned for me, I feel like Jesus has whispered to me the secret of being content in all circumstances (Philippians 4:11-13). (psa, my dudes, it’s Him!!)
I know that not all of you who are reading this are in the same place, and the Lord knows I could feel different tomorrow, but I want to encourage you all to take advantage of the time you have today.
Remember that the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love—Galatians 5:6.
Do one profoundly loving thing today because before we know it, Jesus is coming for His bride, and our mission to pursue love and to love others is at a constant war with time.
I’ll talk to you soon—before you know it!
Grace and Peace
hey quirky christians! i just wanted to drop in this lil ending here to say a quick apology about the lack of posts! this is mostly the outcome of not being a good time manager, and also working 40hrs a week! time really did go and get the best of me, didn’t it? anyway, i’m hoping to do another caption this contest on the ole ‘gram soon, so stay tuned! g+p