Do you ever just find yourself feeling trapped, forgotten, or abandoned? Or just in the midst of an anxious wind that feels like the next breath you take will suffocate you?
Either way, much of this last semester, h*ck this year, has felt like being engulfed in the heart wrenching clutches of anxiety and fear. It’s felt like the last year, God has just been calling me to trust Him with all of my worries and fears.
And that’s easier said than done, for sure, but we’re still called by Him to do it, right?
Full disclosure, friends, I want you to know that trusting God is an area in my life where I need the grace of Romans 8:1 because believe me I am falling short.
I think the first moment I realized this was before this spring semester even started. Without getting too much into it, I had to move out of my residence hall in December because it was frankly the best thing for my mental health. After everything I went through in the fall, I just wanted to be alone—I didn’t want roommates; I just wanted peace and quiet.
And honestly, I didn’t think that I was asking for too much: every prideful bone in my body (about 85% of them) told me that I deserved it after all the pain I’d felt. Sure, all of that pain brought me closer to God (see this blog post), but I was tired and hurting. Even more, it seemed to me that God wanted to give me the peace that I’d been fervently praying for; after all, He had brought me to every conclusion that I had, and He had walked alongside me through every heartache and frustrated night.
And I wasn’t wrong, friends, He did want to give me that, and He did give me that—it just wasn’t in the way that I thought it would be.
When I got the call that would prompt me to decide where I’d be living come the spring semester, I told the guy on the phone that I needed to be in a single room. I wasn’t so desperate that I told him why, but I was adamant that I wanted to be alone.
He [the dude] was adamant too…he told me that there weren’t any rooms in the singles residence hall, and in the nicest way he could, he said that I’d just have to get over it.
I was so upset that I could have just started crying right there. I very much consider myself a pacifist—I’m a non confrontational yes-[wo]man with an incurable “can’t argue” disease. So, I politely asked about another hall and was placed there.
Needless to say, I was not happy. At the moment, it looked like all of my fears had been confirmed. Where was the God that wanted me to be happy? The enemy was like *insert fear here* and for a solid hour had his way with my mind.
But shortly after that phone call, I realized that my suite mate would be my best friend, and I’d already met my soon-to-be-roommate. I was still upset that I wasn’t alone, but at least something good had come out of it.
But that wasn’t even the best part, friends. The best part is that when I arrived in Kent for the semester, I discovered my “roommate” had moved out…and I was alone.
God made sure I was in the best possible position by putting me in a situation that I had never even thought possible, and in that, He provided for me better than my anxiety ever could have.
I think that God’s provision works like that a lot.
Ultimately God knows more than us, so He knows what is best for us, therefore He is able to do even more than we are because He’s the all-knowing creator.
God has been showing this to me in so many different ways this last week that it’s crazy to say the least.
Many of you know that I’m venturing out to Colorado again this summer to participate in the Leadership Training program for a second time. This decision was incredibly difficult to come to as I sincerely wanted to be in Kent, Ohio probably making coffee somewhere and reading literature while laying in a hammock in the evenings. I had this unrealistic vision of what I wanted versus what I needed. Even in that, I think there was a part of me that believed this would be best for me, I mean, I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that a summer in Kent is like no other.
Despite this, God knew what I needed, so when I brought it to prayer, He told me that I need to return to my mountain home in Estes Park, that I needed the consistent rhythm of being a janitor, and that He’d be there the whole time (naturally).
I’d be lying if I said that there isn’t a huge part of me that’s hesitant about going. I know it’s what God wants, and if God wants it, then it is what is best for me. A lot of my purpose in going out is to grow deeper in my faith in order to root my identity in Christ, ultimately trusting Him with my life.
The thing about Nineveh is that it’s not usually a place (or state of mind) that we want to go. God taught me so much about this last summer at LT, and just reflecting on everything that He did out there has been so helpful in trusting Him in this time.
There’s so much that one has to do in order to prepare for a summer in CO at LT—not just spiritually, but physically. I decided to support raise the cost of the program and the additional funds to get out there, plus there’s just a lot that I have to plan to pack and only having a week after finals to get my life in Ohio in order has put a lot of (and I’ll admit unnecessary) pressure on me.
To make my anxiety worse, I waited a little too long to get my support letters written and mailed, and by the beginning of this last week I was no where near my goal.
BUT we serve a Good God that wants to provide for us, and He blew me away by making sure that I not only had the cost of the trip and program funded but also everything that I’ve been stressing over too.
I mean it dudes, He seriously listened to me when I was lowkey complaining to a friend that I had like eighteen days before I left and I had no money (and a few other needs). When I got back to my room that evening, I received a phone call that just put everything into perspective for me. In a matter of three minutes, all of my physical needs for the next three months of my life had been fulfilled.
It’s so crazy to me, ya know? God literally sent us His ONLY Son, so that He could ultimately die for us, embodying every sin and all the ugliness of humanity— ALL SO THAT HE COULD BE WITH US! Christ literally DIED for us WHILE WE WERE STILL SINNERS. If ya ask me, Christ’s death alone is enough—we don’t need anything else after that—yet, we serve a God that wants to give us more.
There’s this verse that ALWAYS gets me when I think about it:
“I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more.” 2 Samuel 12:8
God literally told David that. He didn’t say “nah, I gave you enough, you don’t anymore.” No. He told David that if everything He had given him wasn’t enough, He [the God of the Universe] would have given him MORE.
Granted, in this, God isn’t in the best mood here, and He’s talking to David through the prophet Nathan after David became an adulterous murderer. God could just be ranting, but I don’t think so; I think this is God saying that He wants nothing more than to give us His love and to provide for us in abundance.
We serve a God that wants to give us all of Israel and Judah—and more.
I don’t know what’s going to happen this Summer, but I know that God is going to provide for me. I don’t say that because He already has in so many ways, but I say that because that’s just who God is. It’s in His character to provide for us.
Plus, I’m sure He gets a kick out of the look on my face when He blesses me (especially when I don’t believe I deserve it).