I have an unfortunate tendency of pretending like God is finished with me. I don’t know why, but I think it’s the enemy’s favorite thing to push into my head. I’ve grown a lot over the last several months; God has taught me so many things, but it’s like every time that I find myself at the top of a mountain, I wonder if I’ll ever climb another one. I stare out into the distance, at the top of the trees—all of the things that God has done for me and brought me through; every last step we took to get to the top, and then I have the nerve to wonder if this is my last mountain with Him; like He’s not gonna join me on the next one.
I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been there. We’ve all sinned and wondered if God is angry at us; if He’s distancing Himself as a punishment for our most recent crimes. I find myself joking about it now, but I know the last time I said something out of my pride that I was shameful and felt like He was throwing in the towel. I really thought that He was frustrated with me—like all of a sudden He ceased to be this patient God that wanted everything to do with me. In the light, it seems silly, but I know when the moon comes out and the sky gets all dark and navy that I feel that jazz in the innermost parts of me.
I went an entire week going back and forth with God about what He really felt about me; it was almost like I wanted Him to say that He was done with me. I know that sounds crazy but like I’m being real with you man—I felt like it was what I deserved.
It’s always been a battle for me to accept God as He is and not as I think He is. I do this thing where I put my own insecurities, frustration, and shortcomings on the One who doesn’t have them. I play this game of “God’s mad at me right now” and “He’s not going to forgive me.” We all have repeat sins, ya know, those things we do like all of the time, and then repent for, but then two days later find ourselves doing them again.
^my biggest repeat sin is my excessive use of comma splices and run-on sentences.
All joking aside; I feel the weight of it sometimes, and it feels almost too heavy to carry. My repeat sins are the run-on sentences of my life. I try to accept grace for it and move on with the knowledge that tomorrow is a new day and that God still loves me, but sometimes I find myself holding onto my unforgiveness like a security blanket.
Truth is that ain’t safe at all.
I’ve been leaning into grace a lot through this period of transitions and change. In the midst of all of this struggle and sin, the most important thing is that I stay humble. And I’m not saying that I already am humble, no, I’m a prideful person in relentless pursuit of humility. God is teaching me that true humility is believing that I can’t save myself; that I’m human and I make human mistakes—I need Jesus to save me. He bridges the gap that my sin has created between me and God. It’s a simple and yet profound illustration of grace and humility.
There’s this song by nobigdyl—this really cool rapper that I #love. His song “Close” has been a huge comfort for me through this time. He says in the chorus one of the most intimate lines of Christian Hip-Hop I’ve ever heard, “I wanna hold you close
I’ll never let you go, come let me in your arms, I wanna hold you close.” I hear this from God right now.
When I feel the weight of my sin, I gotta remember He’s strong enough to hold it, and even more, He’s strong enough to hold me. As nobigdyl sings in the song, “I’ll [Jesus] live again and that all I did is nailed to the cross. I could never estimate the price you pay to forgive my fault, then I said, “Lord, I could not repay this.” He said, “Boy, you gon’ have to face it.”
Grace costs nothing because Jesus already paid it all; not some of it, not just your best friends, not just your pastors, not just that kid that seems to have it all together, but ALL of it—yours included.
We can’t repay it. I can’t repay. I gotta stop trying to. He’s not trying to punish me. He’s not that kind of God.
I just gotta face it; I’m Good.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh,in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.”
Lord, make me a believer. Help me understand that You’ve already done it and I don’t have to.
Grace and peace.