Lately, I’ve been trying to understand what the word worth really means in my life. I think it’s really easy for me to be self-reflective on a superficial level, but when I think about things like worth, I almost have to get deeper with it— like superficiality won’t make the cut this time.
If I was to disregard God-talk, I think the first word that comes to my mind when I think of the word worth is “relationship.” It’s like everywhere I look anymore, I can’t help it but see a hunger for real, authentic relationship. And I’m not just talking boy-girl relationships, but I mean like even just having Real friendships and a good home life. I see it everywhere, even in myself, and especially in my social media timelines. There are hurting people out there, and if they all have one thing in common, it’s that they’re starving.
Starving for something real.
Growing up, I was never the kind to date around.
Bear with me here, friends, this isn’t a blog centered around my love life (or lack of it).
When I was in middle school and then through high school, I think I had a few crushes here and there, but I was never concerned with “dating” or having a boyfriend. When I was going through it, it didn’t feel like it was a matter of “worth,” rather, it felt like I just wasn’t ready for that kind of thing. I didn’t want to feel heartbreak, and honestly, dating seemed beneath me. (Ya girl has a
bit of a pride problem.)
However, when I get self-reflective, I can’t help but think about how many of my decisions orbited around my lack of self-esteem, confidence, and desire to be loved.
I’m not afraid to get vulnerable with you dudes; I said this would happen.
Being an enneagram type two, my biggest fear is that I am somehow unworthy of love. And that fear has a direct tie to where my worth and I actually stand with each other.
I didn’t realize before getting deeper with myself, that my worth issue actually hurt a lot of my relationships. I don’t think I experienced healthy enneagram type two until this last summer, so if you know anything about the Enneagram, you can imagine how stressed I was all of the time and the levels of disintegration I was moving toward.
Worth, or lack of it, is a serious issue in our culture today, and I don’t think we all fully understand the impact that it actually has on our everyday lives.
Can I tell you a story?
I’m gonna tell it anyway.
I knew this guy way back when, and we were true pals from the very beginning. I liked him from the moment I met him, and I really wanted us to work out.
He was a good person that I really cared for, but I just didn’t understand why he liked me. It made no sense to me. I liked him, sure, but that wasn’t the problem. I didn’t like me. So, I would never make the time of day for him. He was so good; he loved the Lord, he prayed for me, he was nice to me: he knew my worth, and he wasn’t phased by my junk because he was committed. Even more, he was straight with me about his intentions from the moment our friendship budded.
I, however, having a serious worth problem, wouldn’t have anything remotely nice for myself, so I said something really crappy to him. And, as you could imagine, it hurt him a lot. So much that we had to stop being friends.
I lost a really good friend because I didn’t want to believe that I was actually lovable; his love for me didn’t make sense because I didn’t know how to reciprocate it back to him and that for me meant that I wasn’t worthy of the affection he was giving me.
I wish I could say this was the only friendship that has been ruined partly due to my lack of self-worth.
And how wrong is that?
Unfortunately, that is a story that a lot of my sisters, and even brothers, can relate with. All around me, I see generations of people who want love, who want to feel worthy of love, and want to feel worthy at all—and for the record, it has nothing to do with the Enneagram and everything to do with the culture we’re surrounded with.
I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’ve been asking God to help me see myself the way He does, and that has been helpful for the most part. While I still have a long way to go before my mind has been rewired to find Truth before lies, I’ve definitely seen the tragedy that can come from lack of knowing your own value, and I’ve learned many things from that pain and frustration.
I want to urge you, reader, to get down and reflective with yourself and find your core motivations. Knowing yourself a little more can be pivotal in the personal growth process, and the healing process as well.
If we want to find the pathway to having authentic relationships, then we also need to recognize the detours that we take to and from worthiness. It’s not prideful to love yourself or to have self-confidence. It’s okay to be okay with you. There’s only one of you, and you are so very special. The God that made the universe, the sun, the moon, the stars, and everything around you, said that you—yes, you— are fearfully and wonderfully made. And no, I don’t think that means he made you all afraid and anxious, I think it means He made you respectfully and with intentionality. He was tender and careful about the whole process. He was intentional about making you. He didn’t just mold a blob of dirt into human for the heck of it—He knew what He was doing.
It’s hard to see yourself as God sees you. We’re not Him, we might want to be like Him, but we’re still people who make mistakes and live with failures (and unfortunately, sometimes we live in them). I think that somewhere deep inside of us, we truly want to believe that we’re as special as the Good Lord says we are, but there’s something—lies, unforgiveness, pain, frustration, anger—that holds us back from living in the Truth that God wants us to live.
This week, I’m challenging myself to see myself as God sees me, and I’m excited to see the results of living in that grace.